Adolesence Part 1- Aspergers Blog- Copyright Robert Fullarton

 Copyright -Robert Fullarton 2012

Adolescence pt1

Adolescence is the wandering for identity- the in between- beside the pubescent period and the fully grown- fully mature stage of adulthood. For us all, it is the discovery of our innate abilities, the discovery of our sexual nature as our biology and our neuro chemistry is changing, with hormones rising and raging, we develop under these changes that have sustained and preserved our species from the dawn of time. Affiliations are formed in this period too, tight associations, the obsessions for want and for a sense of belonging drive the power motive of the individual during the greatest changes of the human body, the psyche and the mind itself. Some blossom early and some blossom late with their tastes and talents

But indeed for many Aspies, this will usually be the most difficult period in their entire life. For me this was the desert before the oasis or the desert before the ocean, a dryness of character and self-knowledge before an ocean of purpose.

The close confined parameters of school life, peer pressure, sexual awakenings, problems with the opposite sex and indeed the search for an identity and a sense of inward meaning, all in all this sums up the calamitous period itself. This panic induced period often brings grave misunderstanding and intolerance from those who do not have Aspergers Syndrome Disorder –are on a different wave length of understanding- and generally they view the Aspie with a sense of confusion and sometimes even a cruel sense of malice. The differences in our outlook and behaviour, our fragilities can cost us much in the face of upending pressure that exceeds us at times. 

This stressful period is tainted with bullying, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, ostracism, loneliness and maybe even sexual harassment in certain rare cases. Many Aspies pay for their sense of being quirky, eccentric, very learned, distracted, nervy, timid or indecisive and this is something that is sussed out and prayed upon. 

For many fear change and the differences, which they don’t understand, there will be good and bad people until doomsday, but we must educate ourselves on the differences, which are not minute but massive between Aspie and NT adolescence. This period for many has left scars and torments that still come to the surface in the sub-conscious mind of the victim.

This is the period in our developmental existence for the practical use of reading and deploying our skills with body language and the subtle gestations from our old animal selves. However for the Aspie this is difficult, even more so in the face of the crowds that can be intimidating for the Aspie who can easily become an outsider when misunderstood by the crowds and the gangs at school.

I myself endured a tough period too, through adolescence, this was a period which I will have to regurgitate once again from my sub-conscious mind and it comes with all the filth and slime of the demons of a mans’ past that can haunt us till the day we become mentally infirm, unless we confront these pains.

After leaving primary school, I became the subject of this great confrontation of which I was caught unawares as to what was going on, the changes came right under my feet, the ground began to move, my body was changing and altering slowly under the masculine premises and functions of testosterone. I was shocked to see how girls I had once known were suddenly much more intimidating, more attractive, more frightening and more confident then ever. I was wondering what had happened to these girls, who replaced them with these young women. 

Men too were out to match the movements on the “opposite side of things” with their own developments, boys became men, they became macho and aggressive, the outward displays of attraction, flirting and dating were commonly talked about and engaged in by the cliques of my secondary school. I myself of course was behind the others in my sexuality, my maturity, my identity, confidence and powers of self-knowledge. 

So indeed I felt threatened by the war of chemistry around me. It was frightening. I could barely look girls in the eye, sex, its fetishes, practises and associations were myths to me, I had no idea as to what went on in such areas. I had been vaguely told about these engagements of physical expressionism, but it didn’t cover the topic very well. I was intimidated to huge extent why all these former children were no longer playing games, being children, playing with their toys and living in the realms of imagination.

These children were now transforming into something entirely different, they were obsessed with being cool, being confident, wearing the trendiest clothes, gossiping, going out with each other and of course they were embarrassed about being seen with their parents. I was shocked by all this and I was miles behind the rest of them, it was as if they had all taken flight and left me on an abandoned road and I was the last man standing on the old path to understanding while these had found another!

But I was gormless and clueless to the full extent of events and this played into the hands of my tormentors, it was to my disadvantage. My unassertive self was ripe for the picking and tormenting of others. I was still a child in many respects, secretly wanted to play with my toy soldiers, and be the kid perhaps forever, but this was not the case, at first it was the others around me that forced me into a collision course with their accusations and their torments, but later it was my own biological clock that brought the rush and changes against my old assertions and cravings. 

The cravings for playtime, for imagination are lessened greatly until they nearly disappear in most people and new cravings appear in the cravings of adulthood, namely for tobacco, for sexuality, for a lifelong career and of course for alcohol too. Only the rarities in life escape these limitations of nature, they escape their society which is the acting out of these limitations, the rarity of nature is neither solely rooted in adult cravings, nor child like cravings but for an intellectual craving, for an almost timeless state of things, a truth or set of truths. Let us call this the objectivity of all matters- and that is what many search for when they are not fettered to their gender or their socially based role!

I was enrolled in a school associated with children of a Church of Ireland background or a general Protestant upbringing, but of course many Catholics and children of other persuasions and creeds attended the school as well in the minority of the school numbers. I myself was excited at first at the wide assemblies of new children, old faces and new faces made up the numbers and I thought that it was an opportunity to make a few friends and associates. 

But of course I was fundamentally wrong to have such an assumption, as time would prove. But at first things went smoothly in my first year. I bought my new books, received encouragement for my parents and was coaxed to study and to work to the best of my ability. But about half way through my first year my apparent oddness was already becoming manifest and obvious to many of my school peers. I remember on one occasion I was terrified about having my laces untied and so I would tie them quite frequently and when I was out talking and walking with two school acquaintances, my fear or thought that I couldn’t tie my laces came apparent as I kept stopping to tie my laces with difficulty, the other boys were smiling to each other and whispering as to why I kept putting such emphasis on my shoe laces. I myself hated having to wear a uniform; since this was the first time I had to actually wear one – since I never had to wear one in national school!

The uniform for me became a symbol of school oppression by which the school staff, teachers and authorities would constantly remind me of. The strict rigidity and austerity of the school code, which had to be complied with, left me tired and unhappy along with the very long days of school hours, which I had never had to endure with before!

If I look back it was not a beginning, it wasn’t an image of reality, it wasn’t fair -it was an experience that had the intelligence of a dead Dodo- come to think of it, it didn’t mean a thing. But the experience was painful to me for years to come