The depths of water Copyright Robert Fullarton 2014

The depths of water
Copyright Robert Fullarton 2014


When I was a young boy I was a  timid boy, very much in the hands of my mother and my father to a lesser extent. I came and went, on holidays, through seasons and school semesters, but never really gave much to intellect itself. I was all imagination, caught in the games of my mind, cartoons, drawings, fantasies, castles and forests came alive. I look back with great awe and thankfulness and finally years later- when the full cascade of adulthood has come with force- from these days of youth I believe that my modus Operandi of thought and lifestyle was a great blessing in disguise. For all the scorn and misunderstanding I have received by many children and adolescents over time, they cannot take the satisfaction that I have grown to know...that my fantasies and my adventures in youth were wonderful. I was and am still, different, but my book- my life- is no accountant's manual, no textbook, no generic guide, nor simple, read between the lines material, it is the mysterious life of a romantic and adventurer who has turned his mind to writing to make the fantasies come real in some sense, as they leap out upon the page of the reader's book.

It was easy being a boy- having most of your daily and annual needs dealt with, I think when I was a child I had somebody else doing the worrying for me...now these days I am the world champion of worrying...and adulthood has its responsibilities...it is not a rush to rights...but often the sluggish and reluctant crawl to obedience and responsibility. The boulder comes back again and again upon the weary man, who learns the worries of the world, but needs in reality to learn the full powerful importance, the why behind the acts we do in our everyday life. My life at times has been that cataclysmic paralysis of sense and reason over towering fears that took me like Trojan horses -let in by my own weaknesses and doubts- and filled me full of mourning for years to come.

The notions of trust to me, bring back memories of childhood. Many times I would intrepidly fear the water and intrepidly quake at the notion of being thrown into the deep end. I would gaze at the cool water by the swimming pool and just wonder to what depth and width the water measured. On many occasions I was both afraid and excited by what would happen if I went into he water, perhaps not to the shallow beginning to the pool, but to the deep end of the pool. My father would say "jump and I will catch you", or "just launch yourself into the water and I will hold you". I did doubt him and I did detest the the thought of having to do what I did not want to do.

No person ever told me that adulthood would be the immensity of having to do all things for yourself, trying to figure out "what I want to be" when I am already who I am but, just need to know how to be who I was born to be. It seems to me that we adults wear our masks very well, born for the role perhaps of masquerading our former childhood and making taut and difficult decisions in a world quite often ruthless and far from our childhood odysseys of fun and games. We must become sculptors who work with rough and rigid rock, carving pieces here and there perhaps from our choices but it is God who carves the rock and moulds the soul for what its worth, to a character that will walk on the ever rocky road to perfection.

As a Christian, I see an analogy in the story I mentioned earlier on the depths of the waters. We for who we are, being of flesh and blood, in all that we are -like Shakespearean characters on the stage, like the players that come and go- are a testing of the waters, that begin with the shallows of our earliest steps into life but we increasingly grow in depth, weight and measure as troubles come upon us in time. We being human, are mortal and filled with the fragility of a fragile nature that is all around us bounded in weakness, we can be educated in the depths of this unknown. For some reason life is not unknown to us at first until we learn more about its probabilities and its complications. But there is a learning process. You may ask yourself, why do I wade through the depths? Why do I climb and wearily ascend such heights....I long to see the views of what lie bellow, to see the full extent for which I have climbed and breathe the mountain air-aspiring in victory

The parable of the sower from St.Luke's Gospel speaks on the volume and the depth of a person's faith in the face of persecution, it speaks of different types of people, of different character, measure and depth within. It is the measure of the person or the hardy seed in this case to sprout let alone flourish against the weeds and thorns, the thistles and brambles that choke and twist themselves around the necks of the budding plant that flowers in the moment of victory over trouble. But how difficult it is to overcome, we must go further from the shallows to the depths and learn to love the depths in time, for adulthood requires its measuring rod of all that is seen outside and inside, of heart, of soul, of perseverance in the face of testing. As a Christian I believe Christ to be the accomplished and fulfilled man -role model- in the face of time and persecution, living with both divine responsibilities and very human fears to be tended and conquered. From the river Jordan he went and waded through much tribulation at the plunging fears of Gethsemane -on that very dark night and confession of fear and loneliness- to the wave that built and took him on the road to Golgotha and unto the unthinkable...the unnatural...the unworldly...that which lies beyond the sea and its choking depths...LIFE!

Have we waded out into the ocean, where there are no sand banks, no arms of mercy and heavenly benevolence? Are we the adults in a kingdom of water? Is the water too deep for us to rest for a moment of peace? Or has the water engulfed us again? Will we return to the land of childhood bliss, fun and frivolity? We will become children again and shall learn to never fear the water again. I myself have learnt the to swim and enjoy the tranquil benefits that come with water and the fun involved in swimming. Although I nearly drowned, I survived and flourished, despite it all, thank God. But I do pray, my Lord, do I pray when the choking tide comes again....its my supplication and my food that gets me through the day.