On Anxiety Copyright Robert Fullarton 2014

On Anxiety

Copyright Robert Fullarton 2014

For over five years in my life, I have suffered from chronic anxiety. I was originally diagnosed with the disorder back in 2007, but back then it was not severe whatsoever. I had been given an MRI scan along with another brain scan of the brain's cognitive patterns and from this they deduced that my thoughts were intense, deep and protruding. I would state that I have an abstract and philosophical view on everything, its atypical, its different, at times its dysfunctional and yet sometimes its spontaneous, furtive and rears to find new ground. I have since been hospitalised for such effects that have been at times catastrophic!

I have had to live on sleeping tablets and valium on occasion - I would be desperate to be free from the psychosomatic pains that would tear into my body, from head to toe, from pineal gland down through the spine and all the glands-when the panic attacks and the symptoms were so intense. I had a gastroscopic test done with a biopsy on my stomach, but nothing could be found or defined, but the doctors concluded that it had to be from the psychosomatic effects of anxiety. My stomach to be honest feels like wrought iron or an anvil pressing down upon my belly with pressure and cruelty.

The dizzy spells, the headaches, the hot and cold flushes, the pains at the backs of my eyes....all increasing in brutality... if I did not treat them...like water that fills up a container slowly in time...if not attended to and dealt with...it all grows in brutality on the body and the symptoms get worse...and the man's life becomes more and more intolerable to bear...as employment becomes a burden to hold down...responsibilities weigh a man down..like weights on either arm and very few people understand an invisible illness. If my illness were one that is easily identified by our society- seen perhaps by the naked eye or readily known in the medical dictionary- or understood, then real sympathy and real empathy would be given, but this illness of the nervous system is a real terror that goes unchecked, unknown and is massively misunderstood by doctors, the members of the press/media and indeed even ordinary people.

Anxiety disorders are misunderstood for being occasional or temporarily based on worries that can be solved through confrontation....but a disorder is a disorder...its effects are long lasting...its roots go deep...its in your history...it could be rooted in the effects of a trauma...but it is not physiological! It is not temporary, otherwise it is merely a case of ordinary anxiety in a typical scenario caused by stress...what I suffer from are phenomenally high levels of anxiety, with high levels of adrenaline being created in my brain and being pumped down my spinal cord and throughout my body.

This condition is not always caused by cognition -dwelling on a worry- it can be subtle, a nuance of deep anxiety that is perhaps operating like an auto-pilot system or an alarm system that functions often beyond the understanding of the conscious man himself and often it seems invincible as it really can dominate your life and in effect ruin it. I still take medication for my stomach, anti-depressants and on occasion anti-anxiety medication to tackle the immediate symptoms that I face.

I have written on this before -many times in fact- and studied these issues again and again, gone to all the "professionals" and gotten nowhere (in this aspect anyway) from psychoanalysts to doctors to relaxation coaches and back again. I practice relaxation -with no hindu or buddhist connotations- I merely relax my back and rest my muscles on my bed and try to divert my thoughts on to matters of peace and calmness. I read my bible for solace and peace, I pray and take time out, I find showers and baths helpful and these are the few boundaries in the face of the tidal wave, the unrelenting assaults that pound my body like waves against the shore. The future looks daunting -it has been for five years- and makes the productivity, functionality, vitality and happiness of a life almost impossible to achieve and maintain.

I do state that the charity and the love you offer in your toughest times, show the true measure of your character, when the troubles are raining down on you. Look outside yourself and read the faces of others, hear there stories, learn wisdom and be wise! Help others and strangely enough you will find yourself being helped as well -ironically. Let us not adapt the cynicism which is rife in our society these days but take the days and moments of health as drops of raw life, pearls that make up a miracle, gratitude goes a long way. I have learned that sickness teaches you some very harsh lessons for which kill all stubbornness and make us
better, richer and less-selfish as human beings...it makes us focus on the things that matter so much!

For all those who suffer from an illness like this that can at time be like the unrelenting hounds of hells that bombard your brain and bash your body limb for limb...I advise you to find and maintain a circle of supporters, helpers and friends for weekly -if not daily- encouragement. I have people pray with me when things get bad and I find it helpful...an open heart is an open door!
We must remember that we are not alone!